HOW I GOT HEALED FROM DEPRESSION

A few years ago, I was suffering from a very weird, really incomprehensible and exhausting disease called depression.

I was suffering from panic attacks, stomach ache, fear, confusion, trembling, insomnia, manic, excessive thoughts, fainting, impulses to hurt myself. I felt like I was dying inside. I felt that I had a purpose, but something stronger than I was holding me back, was taking over me. I felt discouraged and started to avoid people. I can’t describe the pain I felt. The whole thing was devastating.

How did I get sick? It’s strange and not so easy to explain. Looking back, depression ran in my family and some deep-seated scars from my childhood had made me vulnerable. I had witnessed traumatic things. I know now that depression had been building up for a while but paradoxically, the trigger for me seems to have been a newfound stability. As I didn’t need to fight anymore, I relaxed and then it hit me.

But at the time I didn't know what it was. I was going from one doctor to another spending so much money that until one day I decided that I had to get over this situation. I thought there had to be a solution for my illness.

By that time I already knew the Lord, because I had grown up in a Christian home with my parents and grandparents. As a child, from 7 to 9 I used to go to the church with my parents. But I never thought God could heal, and that you could call upon the Lord at times when you need him. I recall that one day my mother gave me a Holy Bible.

As I was very much in pain, I remembered that I had the Bible. I took the Bible and I opened it on Psalms 148. I didn't know how to pray, so I just opened it. I believed that somehow I would get help. I didn't know how. But that was my hope, so I kept the Bible always open on that verse.

I must admit that I didn't know that the Lord was so powerful in his deeds. In the past I recall that when I needed real help I always went to a Catholic church and prayed before the Cross. I always felt something about Jesus on the Cross. But I never got to know him so much. No one had really taught me how to pray in Jesus' name and whenever I got into trouble I didn't know how to talk about it with other Christians.

I was searching for solutions so I ended up going to see a cartomancer, to try to find out about myself as she read cards in order to guess my destiny. But for some reason I always had doubts about this practice. I still believed that there was one God that could have helped me but I didn't know how I could call on him. Anyway, going to the cartomancer helped me to realize that she could not help me. It opened my eyes.

I got some medical help. It worked, but I was slow to recover. Medication had heavy side effects. When I felt OK, I tended to drop the medication and endured relapses. At the same time, I felt that there was a broader problem: I didn't only need medical help but also spiritual deliverance.

One day I had this strong feeling to start reading the Bible, and starting going to church. I had elders and anointed people from the church praying over me. I went through a process of spiritual deliverance and kept on praying.

I remember that I decided to read the Bible a lot. Because of my depression I went even as far as reading it compulsively. It became an obsessional refuge. I could not stop reading. I stopped giving due attention to the usual things you do to lead a normal life. Don’t get me wrong. I was sick. I still read the Holy Bible a lot and I think it is a perfectly healthy and helpful thing to do.

Still, obsession or not, I felt that reading the Bible changed my life. Many things started to be revealed to me. God started to reveal his Love and care for me. I repented for my sins. I got baptized through immersion in water. In this way, I accepted God as my savior. I strengthened my faith and started to grow in an intimate relationship with God. I started asking God to heal me from depression.

I read from the scriptures all the miracles that Jesus did and I asked God to do this for me as well. I always focused on the Cure of the woman with a hemorrhage, in Matthew 9:22. One day while I was reading the Bible the Lord answered to me from the scriptures, through Matthew 15:28, ‘ Woman, you have great faith. Let your desire be granted.'

From that moment, I knew that God had healed me spiritually. But I was still physically and mentally sick. I didn't know yet, or I didn’t admit, that I had to discipline myself, adopt a healthier lifestyle and take my medication. I was exhausted and losing a lot of weight. My condition deteriorated further, I behaved in ways I couldn’t explain now and I couldn’t explain at the time either. Sometimes destructively. I had to be admitted in a hospital, where they gave me some medication to recover.

I recall I rebelled against this at first and not only at first. I said to my loved ones that cared so much for me, that I was healed, and that I didn't need to go to the hospital. But as I became physically too weak and mentally too instable to do anything useful, I got the signal that something was deeply wrong. I understood that the only thing that was left for me to do was to accept to be treated, to go to the hospital to be treated physically and mentally with medication.

I struggled a lot trying to understand why I was sick and why I needed to take medication. I didn’t know at the time that all people who suffer from depression ask themselves the same questions and that many of them experience the same reluctance to comply with medication. I experienced my illness as either a mysterious injustice or something that was not even there. I felt that something was wrong with my mind, my soul, my spirit, with myself, and rejected the idea that pills could fix that.

For a diabetic, it’s easy to accept that he or she needs insulin. Psychiatrists have known for ages that a severely depressed person needs pills to fix his or her brain chemistry, and sometimes needs them for a very long time, possibly for life. But this quite difficult to accept for many of us, and certainly for a sick, confused person. A mental disease is a physical disease of the brain. It needs treatment. We can understand easily that someone’s brain chemistry is in trouble when he is drunk or high on drugs. For some of us, brain chemistry goes wrong without substance abuse and it has to be fixed.

Medication was heavy at first, because of my bad condition, and not always the most adequate - doctors have to learn what works for you, and you too. I put on weight. In my case, I functioned very slowly, overslept and experienced all sorts of unpleasant side effects. I had occasional relapses when I didn’t take my medication. Then with time, the doctors started to lower the dose. The betterment process took a few years. Now I am on a very very small maintenance dose without any side effects. I am happy and leading a normal life again.

I also believe strongly that medication is necessary but in some cases not enough. When I started to think clearly again, I asked myself a lot of questions and discovered things hidden inside me. Sickness had transformed the way I thought, and I needed to review the way I looked at things. We need more than a functioning brain chemistry. We need to express ourselves from inside out. Receiving love is very important. Knowing God to know how much he loves you is very important. I realize that I didn't know how I should love myself until I knew how God loves me. 

All these years I had been asking: why? I found a simple, unscientific but spiritual answer: I have learned that some people for some reason have a different body and health than other people, and God heals according to his will.

He has ways of healing. I have learned this from the scriptures. The Book of Ecclesiasticus 38:1-15 says:

Medicine and Illness

1. Treat the doctor with the honor that is his due, in consideration of his services; for he too has been created by the Lord.

2. Healing itself comes from the Most High, like a gift received from a king.

3. The doctor's learning keeps his head high and the great regard him with awe.

4. The Lord has brought forth medicinal herbs from the ground and no one sensible will despise them.

5. Did not a piece of wood once sweeten the water, thus giving proof of its power?

6.      He has also given some people knowledge, so that they may draw credit from his mighty works.

7.      He uses these for healing and relieving pain; the druggist makes up a mixture from them.

8.  Thus, there is no end to his activities; thanks to him, well-being exists throughout the world.

9. My child, when you are ill, do not rebel, but pray to the Lord and he will heal you.

10. Renounce your faults, keep your hands unsoiled, and cleanse your heart from all sin.

11. Offer incense and a memorial of fine flour, make as rich an offering as you can afford.

12. Then let the doctor take over-the lord created him too- do not let him leave you, for you need him.

13. There are times when good health depends on doctors.

14. For they, in their turn, will pray the Lord to grant them the grace to relieve and to heal, and so prolong your life.

15. Whoever sins in the eyes of his Maker, let such a one come under the care of the doctor!

All this time, my husband was extremely concerned. I was fortunate that he did everything he could, going with me to the doctor, reading all sorts of books about depression, searching information… I know it wasn’t easy for him at the time. People don’t know how to handle a depressive person.

My husband gave me a little prayer that helped me through dark times :

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

I only wish I would have not lost so much time to find my way back to normal life. So here’s what (finally) worked for me, hoping that it can help others :

1. Face it, in others words, accept the illness.

2. Look for a solution, with help of loved ones, and a therapist or specialist. Don't give up until you find a suitable doctor and medication for you. Read about depression, check forums on the internet, and go to self-help groups.

3. If the doctor recommends to take medication, follow his instructions. Sometimes it just take a few weeks for the medication to start working, sometimes it’s weeks or months. Side effects of medication vary, but remember that it’s normal to start with a heavier dose to stabilize your condition if needed. Later on, the dose can be lowered.

3 Seek spiritual help. 

4 I had to learn to pray and to ask God to open my heart to forgive those who hurt me in past and present time.

5. I repented from my sins, and accepted God to be my savior, to take control of my life, to lead me and guide my steps. 6.Exercising and healthy nutrition is a must. 7. Achieve your goals one step at the time. And enjoy the beauty of nature; explore your gifts and talents. Learn how to serve others.8 Make sure you get regular and sufficient sleep. Lack of sleep not only deprives you of vital physical rest. It is scientifically proven that it also make it much more difficult to control one’s emotions because the brain becomes far more reactive when it lacks sleep.the same time building strength for the next season.
Even in the book of Leviticus 25th chapter......God instructed the
people in the old testament to allow the land to rest every seven
years so that the soil could replenish itself with all new minerals
and nutrients.....
And now that we don't do that, all of our soil lacks the
essential things that are needed to provide us with the proper amount
of vitamins we need....otherwise causing us to have to eat more, in
order to fulfill the craving of the body for
nourishment

Most and very important: you will have to be willing to do your part, in taking the medication regularly, not just when you feel like it, do it in instead to avoid danger relapses.

Thanks God, today I'm spiritually healed and physically I am in good shape. My thoughts are stable. Now I appreciate myself and others, I can make projects and live for my purpose. I have to remain disciplined in taking my medication, because maybe for now that's what my body needs. So I surrendered all in the hands of the Lord, but I know I also have to do my part. I praise the Lord for teaching me sanity and more.

With both discipline and sanity, and the word of God, I have found balance and I am strengthening my relationship with God. I'm striving every day to be more and more divinely lead. I reposition myself and I explore new directions.